being in the belly of the fatphobic beast with Jessamyn Stanley
for the Black Women Know Best newsletter
As a Cancer, I can easily take up space with my emotions. As someone with BDE — Big Diva Energy — I’m more than happy to take up space with that too. But taking up space with my body? Literally? Now that’s when shit can get uncomfortable.
"There is no inherent unhappiness to womanhood, or to fatness, or to [B]lackness, or to anything else that American beauty standards have long treated as a problem,” writes Amanda Mull. “The conditions under which we loathe ourselves are socially constructed, but in practical terms, they’re very real.”
Thankfully, folks like adrienne maree brown continually confront internalized oppression and the self-shrinking we do because of it: “How would I be with my body if there was nothing to fix? The dis-ease is that I live inside of capitalism. The dis-ease is that I live inside of patriarchy. The dis-ease is all external. There’s nothing to fix except the lens that I’m looking through. I want it to be my own lens.”
In 2019 or so, I took a yoga class with Jessamyn Stanley (she/her), who was guest teaching at a studio in NYC. I remember the way she walked in, got situated on her mat, and started meditating before beginning. Her energy was effortless, and I thought, “Bitch, I wanna be just like her.” Not wanting to become Jessamyn but wanting to *be* like her — to exist. Not striving for love, not succumbing to hate, not even reaching for acceptance. Just being.
From the Every Body Yoga and Yoke books to The Underbelly, I’ve stuck with Jessamyn since, and I recently had ~THEE very best time~ reconnecting with her over Zoom. As always, she said exactly what the fuck I needed to hear.
Key Takeaways and Contractions:
For Black women, our existence is The Resistance.
Body negativity isn’t a problem to be solved. It’s an understandable part of us to embrace.
Don’t resist your body. Resist the societal structures and people in power who tell us we’re not enough.
It’s assumed that Black women will give all that we have, in body and spirit, until there’s nothing left. This calls for systems of care that can guard against our imminent depletion.
It’s important to find balance — and set boundaries.
Kendra: I feel like that adrienne maree brown quote is so obvious — and yet, it’s something not said enough.
Jessamyn: I think the most obvious things need to be repeated. And I think it's actually not that obvious because we're so embedded in capitalism and white supremacy and patriarchy that you just start to think that that is your skin.
To even see yourself fully as an individual separate from that is a huge deal, and it’s something that we have to do over and over again, every single day. So I feel that shit deeply.
Kendra: Just as no one is above white supremacy, fatphobia is inescapable. I’ve been struggling with body image — noticeably after returning to IG after some time away — and it makes me feel so guilty.
One article labeled you as someone who “resists a culture that thrives on body negativity.” Do you engage with body negativity? If so, what does that resistance look and feel like? How might others go about it?
Jessamyn: I don't know that I resist body negativity. I think that I accept it. There was a point where I had to accept that I am shaping myself; it was one of the first things I learned how to do as a kid. I can blame the media or my parents and my friends, but ultimately — it’s just me.
“I don't know that I resist body negativity. I think that I accept it.”
Accepting body negativity as being a part of who I am has been really healing for me. I'm able to look at that part of myself, not with shame, not with disgrace or disgust, but by saying, You are me, too. This is who I am. And if I'm going to live fully — if I'm going to be all that I am — I have to accept that.
And so letting that be there makes it easier for me to accept a society that doesn't want me to be here. I can look at our society with the same compassion that I found for myself and say, Damn, we are all really hurting. All of that makes for spaciousness.
So I think it seems like I resist body negativity because I'm fat and I don't apologize for it. I am very willing to do things that our society says fat, Black queer people should not be doing.
Kendra: You’re speaking to something that I arrived at in therapy but never apply to body image. In working through my trauma, I'm realizing that I don't have to get over it; I just have to accept it and learn to live with it.
There’s power in acknowledging that this isn’t a battle — it’s an embrace.
Jessamyn: That's it. “Embrace” is such a beautiful word for it, too. I feel that so much of this work is uncovering and taking off the layers. So I often feel like I'm reverting to this younger part of myself who is like, I'm gonna wear white cowboy boots in a bathing suit as my outfit for the day and I'm gonna make a play out of nothing. She will get made fun of, and she will make mistakes, but she is fearless. That part of me is meant to shine.
“There’s power in acknowledging that this isn’t a battle — it’s an embrace.”
Kendra: Talk to me about how this journey coincided with social media.
Jessamyn: I really didn't have a lot of friends as a kid. And my response to that was, I’m gonna be my own friend. There's a confidence that comes from not being liked; when you stand on your own, that makes you fearless.
I started my Instagram from a place of feeling alone, and the fact that it has brought me closer to people really feels like the lesson.
Kendra: How do you navigate these tools and their inherent paradoxes? You were lonely and found community, but some people have the opposite experience where they feel more isolated.
Jessamyn: I started sharing my life online before it was called “social media.” I was on Xanga, and I was a big Tumblr kid.
If I had started my Instagram in more recent years, I might not even be on social media, to be honest. When I did my yoga teacher training, I really questioned whether or not I should be on social media because in my mind, even to this day, I feel like there's a conflict between what yoga is asking of us and what social media is. Yoga encourages us to look within while social media pushes us to look outside of ourselves.
However, I found that other people seeing me live my truth inspires them to live their truth. No one can argue with my truth. The lesson here is you can either live for yourself or you can live for somebody else. When I’m making the content for me, then I'm having a good time and don't really care how anybody else feels about it.
“The lesson here is you can either live for yourself or you can live for somebody else.”
Kendra: Hell yes! I’m often reminded that healing is not linear. I've been living with chronic illness, and I’m constantly having to resist the thought that my body is working against me when really it’s the structures of our society that are working against my body.
Do you ride the waves of how you feel about your body? Is your water pretty steady and settled, or is it more choppy?
Jessamyn: I was just saying yesterday that I realized that I experience every emotion in a given day. The best part is just letting that be okay, knowing that there's no final resting point. Leaning into that feels really, really good for me. Rather than riding the waves, I feel like I’m just in the water.
Just go with it has been a lesson from my mother. My aunts and my grandmothers, too. It's always like, just ride.
The thing that they didn't/don’t do is take care of themselves. What I feel is really imperative for me is to refill my own cup — all the time, in the same way that I offer that opportunity to other people through my work.
I think that Black women are often asked to just give. And I feel like we have to fill ourselves up before we can fill up anybody else.
Journal Prompts:
How can you practice acceptance today?
What negative feelings and thoughts can you greet with an embrace?
How can you help the Black women in your life refill their cups?
♡ SEEKING REFLECTIONS FROM BLACK WOMEN FOR A VALENTINE’S DAY PROJECT ♡
Like what you read? Buy me a coffee ☻ and follow Jessamyn on IG.
loved this! came right in time. and great questions 💕